Today was another average day i suppose, college as usual. A few things happened that i'm quite anooyed about but other than that Friday the 13th went pretty well all in all. I don't know whether the curse of Friday the 13th has taken affect from my perspective but they say that bad luck comes in threes so i suppose i'm waiting for the other show to drop in a way, the pessimist that i am. I've been thinking lately, well not lately, all the time actually what it all means, where i'm going. Some people i know that are my age just coast along in their own lives, blissfully unaware that time is slipping by and that one day they are going to wake up very unhappy some day, and that, my friends, is very bad and very sad. I don't want to grow up, be in like my 30's and then realise that i am totally unhappy and then have a breakdown or something. That would be hell. So i'm going to work my a** off to make sure that i'm not one of them people.
No, today has beeen ok i suppose, a few bitchy comments exchanged between people who think that they know everything, but in actual fact they don't. I don't know why they kicked off with me but i can tell you that i was not impressed with them. I can't believe it though, i didn't do anything to warrant a telling off. They just got on their high horse and starting trying to hit the moral high ground, but i shot that kite down, so haha loser!!!
Back to me though and the future. I'm still not 100% sure where i want to go in life, some people say that i should go to university far away, some tell me that i should get a job and earn some money, my head tells me that i should go to university, then my heart tells me that i should strive for freedom and do something unexpected. Hmm, what to do...
On the plus side i had a laugh today with my friend and we had some red bull which made us even more hyper (always a plus hehe). Shame it wasn't cider but hey, its a little early in the day for that. I laughed at a fat woman on this mobile video, dancing in this tight white vest, stillettos, and a mini skirt. The worst bit was that she was wearing white leg warmers, but because she was like....a beach whale, they look like scrunchies around her ankles. The guy that showed me the video said that she was dancing to the Vengaboys - Boom Boom, and the muffin top was just boucing all over the place hahaha.
Anyway, see you soon blog.
Friday, 13 February 2009
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Talk Shows
Don't you just love chat shows!? I love watching them, first thing in a morning, eating your cereal, taking a sip of your tea and then....WALLOP! Some woman who's found out her husband is a lying ba**ard and has cheated on her a total of 6 times in their two year relationship, lands a punch, square-on to the man's face. Then its the same old sh**, the host calling security, security dashing in...then dashing out again for more security, when the woman decides to give them a fat lip.
Oh the drama of it all, so funny.
My favourite would have to be Ricky Lake. She is so funny. It's amazing how intelligent, yet stupid at the same time somebody can be. I think its the American blood in her. She complains about cheaters, comes out with all this analytical sh**, then slates them, then when they come on stage saying "I tell you what Ricky, I tell you what, right now. I'd do it again!" The audience gasps, its like a pantomime. But the thing that annoys me sooo fu**ing much is that they repeat the same bloody sentence over and over and over and over again. Their girlfriend is in their face and they're just sat there saying "I'd do it again, I'd do it again, I'd do it again!" There's Ricky just stood there like a tub of lard going "Ooooooh, man, oooooooh, man!" Seriously, how retarded can you get.
Sally Jessy Raphael just needs shooting, her show is so boring.
Jeremy Kyle is the worst. The people on that show, they are the worst since Jerry Springer, and shows were good, let me point that out for a start.I love how his guests are never right about anything! Unless, and here is the cryteria:
Oh the drama of it all, so funny.
My favourite would have to be Ricky Lake. She is so funny. It's amazing how intelligent, yet stupid at the same time somebody can be. I think its the American blood in her. She complains about cheaters, comes out with all this analytical sh**, then slates them, then when they come on stage saying "I tell you what Ricky, I tell you what, right now. I'd do it again!" The audience gasps, its like a pantomime. But the thing that annoys me sooo fu**ing much is that they repeat the same bloody sentence over and over and over and over again. Their girlfriend is in their face and they're just sat there saying "I'd do it again, I'd do it again, I'd do it again!" There's Ricky just stood there like a tub of lard going "Ooooooh, man, oooooooh, man!" Seriously, how retarded can you get.
Sally Jessy Raphael just needs shooting, her show is so boring.
Jeremy Kyle is the worst. The people on that show, they are the worst since Jerry Springer, and shows were good, let me point that out for a start.I love how his guests are never right about anything! Unless, and here is the cryteria:
- You've beaten drugs or alcoholism.
- You're a young girl/boy, who is in pieces as soon as they get on-stage.
- A father who has taken on somebody else's children.
- And if you've matched all three cryteria, you get a holiday, a lifetime supply of chocolate (joking) and a public declaration, from Jeremy, that you're a model citizen or a "man" or a really nice "lady".
Anybody else is sh**!!! You are worse than an ex-drug-abuser or alcoholic. It's fu**ed up isn't it.
Another thing I love about the show is that he takes the moral high ground, frequently throughout the show. It was in the paper and on the Internet that he'd been spotted in a bar, drunk as a skunk. How can he do that, when he did this?! It's ridiculous. This kid was like "I never see my mum because she's always at the pub" Jeremy says "You, madam are dispicable! He's your child for God's sake. Show some compassion."
The only niggle I have with those few sentences is.
How are you any better?!
Do you know what i mean though. I'm never tuning in to that show again, unless I need cheering up because it makes me angry.
Friday, 23 January 2009
Thiamin and the Braindead Crocodile
A few who know me from college who have the same lessons as me will already know this, but read on because its good stuff!
Basically, i've found out about these crocodiles that was found in a lake in America. Scientists found out that they were suffering from a Thiamin deficiency because some fish that had moved into the area had been taking all the Thiamin from the water in that area. So these crocodiles were suffering from syptoms like decreased brain function and because of this they were drowning underwater because they couldn't move, which is quite sad but...the little ba**ards wouldn't think twice about biting our legs off so why should i feel sorry for them anyway?!
So this inspired me to think, like always. Are we humans at risk of an outbreak??
Apparently, from doing research about this, i've found out that causes of Thiamin deficiency include, binge drinking. SHOCK HORROR!!
Britain is, in my eyes, a nation full of pissheads so i'm thinking we're on the brink of a full scale outbreak of spazos.
Effects of Thiamin deficiency sound awful some of the more serious ones are the increased risk of cancer (not sure if that is completely accurate), swelling of the heart, less energy and muscle cramp. Now i know that cancer and swelling of the heart is well bad, and not a subject to laugh about. But i read it myself on an Internet site, that Thiamin deficiency can make it difficult (because of muscle cramp) to get out of the squatting position. That must be a bit shit though, don't you think? A big night out, drinks, drinks, dancing.....more drinks, didn't think once about Thiamin deficiency! Got up gone to the toilet....SHIT!! Then found out you couldn't stand up, apparently these syptoms can last for extended periods of time. I've heard of being in the toilet for a long time but....damn, a shit that lasts 3-4 hours. That can't be good. I said to my friend you could eliminate this problem by doing a handstand against the toilet. He said well no i don't think that would work at least not forever because what if it goes to your hands. I said yeah you'd end up like the crocodiles and end up drowning, except this time you be drowning in toilet water.
Something must be done to tackle this....
I think me and a couple of the people i know will be safe as they do not drink to excess like me. I take multi vitamins too and have a well balanced diet so i don't think i'm at risk. If i discover any more major crisis' i'll let you know.
Basically, i've found out about these crocodiles that was found in a lake in America. Scientists found out that they were suffering from a Thiamin deficiency because some fish that had moved into the area had been taking all the Thiamin from the water in that area. So these crocodiles were suffering from syptoms like decreased brain function and because of this they were drowning underwater because they couldn't move, which is quite sad but...the little ba**ards wouldn't think twice about biting our legs off so why should i feel sorry for them anyway?!
So this inspired me to think, like always. Are we humans at risk of an outbreak??
Apparently, from doing research about this, i've found out that causes of Thiamin deficiency include, binge drinking. SHOCK HORROR!!
Britain is, in my eyes, a nation full of pissheads so i'm thinking we're on the brink of a full scale outbreak of spazos.
Effects of Thiamin deficiency sound awful some of the more serious ones are the increased risk of cancer (not sure if that is completely accurate), swelling of the heart, less energy and muscle cramp. Now i know that cancer and swelling of the heart is well bad, and not a subject to laugh about. But i read it myself on an Internet site, that Thiamin deficiency can make it difficult (because of muscle cramp) to get out of the squatting position. That must be a bit shit though, don't you think? A big night out, drinks, drinks, dancing.....more drinks, didn't think once about Thiamin deficiency! Got up gone to the toilet....SHIT!! Then found out you couldn't stand up, apparently these syptoms can last for extended periods of time. I've heard of being in the toilet for a long time but....damn, a shit that lasts 3-4 hours. That can't be good. I said to my friend you could eliminate this problem by doing a handstand against the toilet. He said well no i don't think that would work at least not forever because what if it goes to your hands. I said yeah you'd end up like the crocodiles and end up drowning, except this time you be drowning in toilet water.
Something must be done to tackle this....
I think me and a couple of the people i know will be safe as they do not drink to excess like me. I take multi vitamins too and have a well balanced diet so i don't think i'm at risk. If i discover any more major crisis' i'll let you know.
Monday, 19 January 2009
Fu**ing Policy!
Does anybody else find policy a bit of a drag?!
Well I do!
What's eating me you ask?!
Well let me tell you...
Policies, I've come to the conclusion, is a clever way of assholes of certain companies and organisations, not mentioning any names (college), dodging the bullet. Basically what happened is when I signed up for a two year IT course, they said that you could do an extra A level along side it. I thought "Yay, it'll give me a break from my IT and its another qualification." Maybe i should have demanded that i read all the small print before hand because if i'd have know for one second that this A level, would be an anchor around my neck like it has been then I'd have told them where to shove it.
Ok get to the story Darren....
Well I've had a lot of problems recently and after christmas I thought I'd do the sensible thing and tackle my issues and by tackling them I would need time to do this. So i said to my A level tutor that I was quitting my A level, she said I had to have my personal tutors position. I said to him, look, I don't want to do it anymore and I need the time to sort out my life. He said fair enough, the next news.
I was talking to my friend about it, he walks past " You're not quitting your A level!"
I was like "Excuse me!?"
So I just internally thought to myself "Screw that, I'm quitting and there's not a goddamn thing that you or anybody else can do to stop me!" How untrue that was.
So he collars me next lesson and tells me to wait behind after class, which I did I might add.
He says to me "Darren, you can't quit your A level, because I've talked to the head of college and he says that by college policy you can't drop it until the end of the 1st year"
So its ok then head of college, I'll just suffer until I'm carried out on a stretcher! Thank you very much.
So me being me, I've took the matter into my own hands!!! I've talked to my counsellor and she has agreed to talk to this so-called head of college and get him to remove me from that goddamn A level course. Without affecting my IT. I'd already decided anyway that I was going to call his bluff. Let him throw me out then, I'd like to see him try!!
I have been there for nearly three years and I'm a good student, thank you very much, i do not deserve to be treated in this manner. Its not like i'm the only one, a lad in my clas has dropped his A level and he's still been allowed to carry on.
Bloody policy! Kiss My A**e
Well I do!
What's eating me you ask?!
Well let me tell you...
Policies, I've come to the conclusion, is a clever way of assholes of certain companies and organisations, not mentioning any names (college), dodging the bullet. Basically what happened is when I signed up for a two year IT course, they said that you could do an extra A level along side it. I thought "Yay, it'll give me a break from my IT and its another qualification." Maybe i should have demanded that i read all the small print before hand because if i'd have know for one second that this A level, would be an anchor around my neck like it has been then I'd have told them where to shove it.
Ok get to the story Darren....
Well I've had a lot of problems recently and after christmas I thought I'd do the sensible thing and tackle my issues and by tackling them I would need time to do this. So i said to my A level tutor that I was quitting my A level, she said I had to have my personal tutors position. I said to him, look, I don't want to do it anymore and I need the time to sort out my life. He said fair enough, the next news.
I was talking to my friend about it, he walks past " You're not quitting your A level!"
I was like "Excuse me!?"
So I just internally thought to myself "Screw that, I'm quitting and there's not a goddamn thing that you or anybody else can do to stop me!" How untrue that was.
So he collars me next lesson and tells me to wait behind after class, which I did I might add.
He says to me "Darren, you can't quit your A level, because I've talked to the head of college and he says that by college policy you can't drop it until the end of the 1st year"
So its ok then head of college, I'll just suffer until I'm carried out on a stretcher! Thank you very much.
So me being me, I've took the matter into my own hands!!! I've talked to my counsellor and she has agreed to talk to this so-called head of college and get him to remove me from that goddamn A level course. Without affecting my IT. I'd already decided anyway that I was going to call his bluff. Let him throw me out then, I'd like to see him try!!
I have been there for nearly three years and I'm a good student, thank you very much, i do not deserve to be treated in this manner. Its not like i'm the only one, a lad in my clas has dropped his A level and he's still been allowed to carry on.
Bloody policy! Kiss My A**e
Like or Accept?
If anybody is reading this, then you probably know i'm gay. I came out when i was the tender age of 13, too defiant to hold it in, it came with a price. A price that i'm beginning to realise. Don't worry loyal readers this isn't a suicide note...
I went to primary school and loved it, yet secondary school chewed me up and spat me out. It couldn't process me as I am. It only accepted those who were repressed and hid "in the closet" and the bullies. I was neither of those things, although looking back, I would give anything to change that, I have to live with the fact that i have made my life and my screwed up head the way it is. I know that there's other factors that contribute but all in all its my fault. If I had just been that bit stronger and held on, I'd have done my GCSE's, left school with some half decent qualifications and felt like i'm worth more, maybe...
I have hid so much for so long, and i'm tired of it. Bullies..."Urrr it's Darren, he's gay! He's dirty! He's scum!"
I'm not the second two things but I am gay. Why the fu** did they have to bully me?! Do they think I like being gay!? Why would anybody?!
This sounds pathetic, I know. But i hurt inside!!!!
I wear this mask at college and everybody seems to think i'm ok, but i'm not....nobody sees that, they just see this outspoken, good for a laugh, gay guy who isn't repressed or inhibited by anything or anyone. They have no idea how much energy that consumes. But i can't let the mask slip, otherwise they won't even talk to me, and that would be like being back at school.
To me...that is a fate worse than death, to be invisible.
I feel empty lately, I feel..numb.
This sounds like i want to die, I know, but i don't haha, I just want all this to stop. I want friends that care about me outside of college, I want a decent social life, I want to have money to go out, I want to go new places and do new things, I want to forge lasting friendships/relationships.
I told one of my friends from college that i'm socially retarded, after he hit a raw nerve and said to me "You don't have a life!" I think it was a joke but I took it seriously and that's one more thing, one more memory that I can't get out of my head.
I went to primary school and loved it, yet secondary school chewed me up and spat me out. It couldn't process me as I am. It only accepted those who were repressed and hid "in the closet" and the bullies. I was neither of those things, although looking back, I would give anything to change that, I have to live with the fact that i have made my life and my screwed up head the way it is. I know that there's other factors that contribute but all in all its my fault. If I had just been that bit stronger and held on, I'd have done my GCSE's, left school with some half decent qualifications and felt like i'm worth more, maybe...
I have hid so much for so long, and i'm tired of it. Bullies..."Urrr it's Darren, he's gay! He's dirty! He's scum!"
I'm not the second two things but I am gay. Why the fu** did they have to bully me?! Do they think I like being gay!? Why would anybody?!
This sounds pathetic, I know. But i hurt inside!!!!
I wear this mask at college and everybody seems to think i'm ok, but i'm not....nobody sees that, they just see this outspoken, good for a laugh, gay guy who isn't repressed or inhibited by anything or anyone. They have no idea how much energy that consumes. But i can't let the mask slip, otherwise they won't even talk to me, and that would be like being back at school.
To me...that is a fate worse than death, to be invisible.
I feel empty lately, I feel..numb.
This sounds like i want to die, I know, but i don't haha, I just want all this to stop. I want friends that care about me outside of college, I want a decent social life, I want to have money to go out, I want to go new places and do new things, I want to forge lasting friendships/relationships.
I told one of my friends from college that i'm socially retarded, after he hit a raw nerve and said to me "You don't have a life!" I think it was a joke but I took it seriously and that's one more thing, one more memory that I can't get out of my head.
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Birthday Blues
Some of you may know this already but it's my birthday soon!
I'll be 19, and its going to be a flop, i just know it. I'm sure that there's something wrong with me! Whenever it gets to that time of year i always end up not doing anything particularly memorable...and that, at my age, is sad. Why i can't be like the average teenager is beyond me, i'm so developed in some ways, yet in others i'm a freak and a retard.
What do i do though when all of my circumstances such as no job and being so popular, yet at the same time, a loner?! I just can't plan my birthday like other people do, i was talking to somebody yesterday and he was saying to me that i should be more organised and plan it 3 months before. How?! With what?! Who with?!
I just want to scream sometimes, it winds me up. Why do i have to be in such a state?
I walk around preaching to other people and givin them advice but the second i need the advice, i fail myself. Nobody understands how i feel.
I'll be 19, and its going to be a flop, i just know it. I'm sure that there's something wrong with me! Whenever it gets to that time of year i always end up not doing anything particularly memorable...and that, at my age, is sad. Why i can't be like the average teenager is beyond me, i'm so developed in some ways, yet in others i'm a freak and a retard.
What do i do though when all of my circumstances such as no job and being so popular, yet at the same time, a loner?! I just can't plan my birthday like other people do, i was talking to somebody yesterday and he was saying to me that i should be more organised and plan it 3 months before. How?! With what?! Who with?!
I just want to scream sometimes, it winds me up. Why do i have to be in such a state?
I walk around preaching to other people and givin them advice but the second i need the advice, i fail myself. Nobody understands how i feel.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Back to Black
Today is my first official day back at college. I'm not looking forward to it. You always get the annoying grotesque bits of everyday socialisation such as:
- How was your christmas?
- What did you get?
- What did you do for new years?
- Did you get drunk?
After i say "nothing much". Then it will be me, me, me, me, mmmmmeeeee!
I'm just not looking forward to it at all. There are certain people i just can't stand talking to and they'll probably just start twittering between themselves and then do something like a head count of how many people had a shit christmas and decide all those that raise their hand are not worth talking to. There are some vile individuals around.
I mean part of me wants to just tell the truth and say " I had a shitty christmas and a crappy new year, thank you" but knowing me because i'm a completely different Darren when i'm there i'll probably end up over exaggerating (not telling a lie) and say "Yeah it was great i got loads of amazing presents and I had some amazing sex and got drunk several times" I'm not going to do that, I'm an adult and I don't have to prove anything to anybody. Maybe if i keep telling myself that only my opinion matters then maybe i'll believe it. I'm my worst critic i suppose. Judging myself too harshly and putting myself on a pedestal is the worst fault i have, i think anyway.
There's not much i can do about it anyway, i'll just go with the flow. I've dropped my A level course so i have more time to do the things i love. Like reading, relaxing, playing on consoles, writing my diary. Just generally taking the time i need to get my head sorted. I think it'll also improve my grades on my IT course. I feel so ashamed that i was once the best student (in terms of grades) in the class to being somewhere in the middle. There's no change there then, much a similarity to how i feel about where i fit in people's lives and my own. I feel like all i've ever done is drift from one circle of friends to another, there are none that i keep in touch with constantly anymore. In a way i feel alone and isolated but on the plus side (and there is one) I feel like i am free and that's a good way to feel. Besides i don't like it when i'm expected to be a certain way and in a certain mood all the time which is usually the case in close circle friendships. I hate that!
I just know that i need to make this year, the year that i finally fill the empty...black hole inside myself. I don't really know how else to describe it...
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