Like or Accept?

If anybody is reading this, then you probably know i'm gay. I came out when i was the tender age of 13, too defiant to hold it in, it came with a price. A price that i'm beginning to realise. Don't worry loyal readers this isn't a suicide note...

I went to primary school and loved it, yet secondary school chewed me up and spat me out. It couldn't process me as I am. It only accepted those who were repressed and hid "in the closet" and the bullies. I was neither of those things, although looking back, I would give anything to change that, I have to live with the fact that i have made my life and my screwed up head the way it is. I know that there's other factors that contribute but all in all its my fault. If I had just been that bit stronger and held on, I'd have done my GCSE's, left school with some half decent qualifications and felt like i'm worth more, maybe...

I have hid so much for so long, and i'm tired of it. Bullies..."Urrr it's Darren, he's gay! He's dirty! He's scum!"

I'm not the second two things but I am gay. Why the fu** did they have to bully me?! Do they think I like being gay!? Why would anybody?!

This sounds pathetic, I know. But i hurt inside!!!!

I wear this mask at college and everybody seems to think i'm ok, but i'm not....nobody sees that, they just see this outspoken, good for a laugh, gay guy who isn't repressed or inhibited by anything or anyone. They have no idea how much energy that consumes. But i can't let the mask slip, otherwise they won't even talk to me, and that would be like being back at school.

To me...that is a fate worse than death, to be invisible.
I feel empty lately, I feel..numb.

This sounds like i want to die, I know, but i don't haha, I just want all this to stop. I want friends that care about me outside of college, I want a decent social life, I want to have money to go out, I want to go new places and do new things, I want to forge lasting friendships/relationships.

I told one of my friends from college that i'm socially retarded, after he hit a raw nerve and said to me "You don't have a life!" I think it was a joke but I took it seriously and that's one more thing, one more memory that I can't get out of my head.