I'm not sure if i've shared this experience with anybody inside this blog or outside it but i feel that i should share my shame with the rest of the universe. 'The Truth Will Set You Free' and all.
This has to top my most embarrassing moments by far.
A couple of years back i was at my LGBT (that not a sandwich by the way), youth group. That stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual and Transgender. They were giving out personal alarms, some of you may know this part of the story (refer to post 'Thick as Shit'). This was because the police had been in talking about rape and murder becoming more common in young people. Well they handed them out and started talking. I was trying to listen, that night coincidently my exs were congrigating together talking about me in their corners like they usually do, well actually they're usually sh**ing each other in the corner but...back to the point.
Anyway, after they finish talking and ask if we had any questions, one of them pipes up and says something aimed at me, which was not funny. I got angry and said "Well there's one crime that a personal alarm can't help with, and that's having a small penis like you sla*s!"
We'd been sat in a roughly made up circle, with the youth staff sat in a line at the far end near the exit...seriously it was like a blockade of rug munchers and what gaps were there were filled by squashed puffs. For the thick people among you...basically there was all the big, butch lesbians sat at either side of the gay men and they were squashing the gay guys between them. Ok.
The point is i tried to storm off after saying that comment and i tried to squeeze through one of the gaps in the chairs and me being me, got my leg caught between the chair legs and...CRASH. Fell to the floor with only one shoe.....
People think they know embarrassment?! They don't, they have not been me for a day. Some people laughed (the immature ones) and the youth leaders asked me "Are you Ok, Darren?"
Did i look Ok!!?
I didn't go back for three weeks and even then i was remembered for being the bitch with a sharp tongue and only one shoe. Lovely...
Saturday, 20 December 2008
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Deathtrap
Retail therapy has been taken to a new level people.
Oh yes, you think i mean spending money, VAT reductions or the credit crunch, well think again. Let me tell you that it's not that easy anymore, especially when you get assaulted by trolleys and milk chillers!
Allow me to enlighten you...
I was in Morrison's, me and my mum was minding our own business, shopping for food like you do. Then this woman walks past with a wheelie trolley thing (three wheels!). She's stood looking at the bacon then its like it happened in slow motion, this man with a trolley full of milk, goes past this woman. the next thing i know she's on the floor and he's dragging her along with the trolley, her wheels must have caught in his wheels and pulled her down. Luckily she wasn't seroiusly injured. The worst part of the accident was that he didn't know what had happened, he just carried on walking! It took another member of staff to stop him. Then when he realised what he'd done they all crowded round her in a circle, sounding all worried and phoning for an ambulance, yet the other week another incident happened and well, lets just say that they were less than sympathetic!
I didn't witness this incident, it was my sister. She tells a good story....so much detail!
A woman was doing her shopping, she walked up to the milk chiller, reached inside for a bottle of milk, and......ZAP!
The poor cow was electrocuted and flung to the other end of the aisle. She was laid on the floor...unconscious i might add, and the staff guess what they did! Went to check she if the milk chiller was still working!! What about the woman? An ambulance? A circle of support and worry like before? No. It was like "Fu** you bi*ch, i'm checking the milk. I can sell milk, i can't sell you!" They were just thinking of the profit weren't they?! I'd have sued them.
Can't go anywhere these days. But do you know what i was thinking?
"Where there's blame, there's a claim!"
Oh yes, you think i mean spending money, VAT reductions or the credit crunch, well think again. Let me tell you that it's not that easy anymore, especially when you get assaulted by trolleys and milk chillers!
Allow me to enlighten you...
I was in Morrison's, me and my mum was minding our own business, shopping for food like you do. Then this woman walks past with a wheelie trolley thing (three wheels!). She's stood looking at the bacon then its like it happened in slow motion, this man with a trolley full of milk, goes past this woman. the next thing i know she's on the floor and he's dragging her along with the trolley, her wheels must have caught in his wheels and pulled her down. Luckily she wasn't seroiusly injured. The worst part of the accident was that he didn't know what had happened, he just carried on walking! It took another member of staff to stop him. Then when he realised what he'd done they all crowded round her in a circle, sounding all worried and phoning for an ambulance, yet the other week another incident happened and well, lets just say that they were less than sympathetic!
I didn't witness this incident, it was my sister. She tells a good story....so much detail!
A woman was doing her shopping, she walked up to the milk chiller, reached inside for a bottle of milk, and......ZAP!
The poor cow was electrocuted and flung to the other end of the aisle. She was laid on the floor...unconscious i might add, and the staff guess what they did! Went to check she if the milk chiller was still working!! What about the woman? An ambulance? A circle of support and worry like before? No. It was like "Fu** you bi*ch, i'm checking the milk. I can sell milk, i can't sell you!" They were just thinking of the profit weren't they?! I'd have sued them.
Can't go anywhere these days. But do you know what i was thinking?
"Where there's blame, there's a claim!"
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