Back to Black

Today is my first official day back at college. I'm not looking forward to it. You always get the annoying grotesque bits of everyday socialisation such as:

• How was your christmas?
• What did you get?
• What did you do for new years?
• Did you get drunk?

After i say "nothing much". Then it will be me, me, me, me, mmmmmeeeee!

I'm just not looking forward to it at all. There are certain people i just can't stand talking to and they'll probably just start twittering between themselves and then do something like a head count of how many people had a shit christmas and decide all those that raise their hand are not worth talking to. There are some vile individuals around.

I mean part of me wants to just tell the truth and say " I had a shitty christmas and a crappy new year, thank you" but knowing me because i'm a completely different Darren when i'm there i'll probably end up over exaggerating (not telling a lie) and say "Yeah it was great i got loads of amazing presents and I had some amazing sex and got drunk several times" I'm not going to do that, I'm an adult and I don't have to prove anything to anybody. Maybe if i keep telling myself that only my opinion matters then maybe i'll believe it. I'm my worst critic i suppose. Judging myself too harshly and putting myself on a pedestal is the worst fault i have, i think anyway.

There's not much i can do about it anyway, i'll just go with the flow. I've dropped my A level course so i have more time to do the things i love. Like reading, relaxing, playing on consoles, writing my diary. Just generally taking the time i need to get my head sorted. I think it'll also improve my grades on my IT course. I feel so ashamed that i was once the best student (in terms of grades) in the class to being somewhere in the middle. There's no change there then, much a similarity to how i feel about where i fit in people's lives and my own. I feel like all i've ever done is drift from one circle of friends to another, there are none that i keep in touch with constantly anymore. In a way i feel alone and isolated but on the plus side (and there is one) I feel like i am free and that's a good way to feel. Besides i don't like it when i'm expected to be a certain way and in a certain mood all the time which is usually the case in close circle friendships. I hate that!

I just know that i need to make this year, the year that i finally fill the empty...black hole inside myself. I don't really know how else to describe it...